oh this season...

I think as time goes on, I am slowly starting to come out of my "fog". Sometimes I am totally in the clear. I can breath, I can feel, I can realize. But soon after I have felt enough, that fog rolls in again and my mind is clouded. That's how it's been lately. I'm just here. Not feeling, not realizing, just breathing. A few days will pass by and I'll think to myself "what have I been doing the past couple of days?!". I genuinely won't remember a thing. It's like I am suspended is this life, not realizing that time is continuing.

It has become apparent to me that I am stuck. I am stuck in denial. I don't want to believe that he is gone. I still wear my wedding rings. I still say I'm married. I hate saying the word "widow". I don't feel like it fits me. Because I still feel like I am married. I have a ton of pictures of Michael and us on my walls. Sometimes I'll look at the pictures and I won't even be aware that he's gone. It's like my mind reverts back to 2008, and he is still deployed. I avoid painful things. I haven't gone to the cemetery in weeks. Michael's family put a porcelain picture of Michael on his slab of granite, and I have still yet to go see it because it just makes everything more real. I avoid talking about the lawsuit. I have been thinking about calling the San Diego Police Department to see have has been done concerning the case against the man who killed him. But I won't call, because it is too painful. I don't want this to be true. It's like I am that kid stomping her feet on the ground throwing a fit because I am not getting something I want. I want this not to be true.

It has been almost a year. It has been 328 days. I am staring at that number in disbelief. I don't want it to be that long since I have seen my love. It's now fall, the last season we spent together. It's about to be the last month that we spent together too. It breaks my heart. After November 6th, I can't say anymore "Well, last year we did this...".

I think fall was always our favorite season. It was always when marching band was in full swing with football games and competitions. Fall meant the Marine Corps Ball. Pumpkin spice lattes. Hot chocolate. Spending hours on end outside with the dogs. Halloween. Thanksgiving. When Michael was deployed, it always meant that the end was near. Wearing hoodies and sweaters. Snuggling. I miss this season meaning something good. Now, it's just another season that is here without Michael. This is the first season that I have been aware that it's another season without him. It sucks. I would never wish this on my worst enemy.

I miss you so much.

tag, i'm it!

My friend Sarah has tagged me, so I feel as if I must complete her survey and follow suit. So here it is!

1. If you could only eat one food item for the rest of your life, what would it be and why?


I think it would be sushi (as long as it's free, and good quality). It is one type of food that I don't think I could get tired of. 

2. What is your greatest accomplishment in life up until this point that it not milspouse related?


Ughh... well I guess it would be restarting my life, sort of. I guess picking up the pieces of my life and trying to put them back together in a way that makes sense. 

3. To iphone or not to iphone, that is the question.


YES! To iPhone. I love my iPhone. 

4. If you could be any television character, who would you want to be and why?


Sookie Stackhouse. If you watch True Blood, you probably want to be Sookie as well. Her life is exciting, she can read minds, she's gorgeous, and she is a genuinely nice person

5. If they made a movie about your life, what would it be called and what actor would play you?


Oh my gosh... Who knows.

6. Describe yourself using only three words.


lover, skeptic, creative

7. What would you do for a Klondike bar?


Not a whole lot, I am trying to stay away from sweets.

8. Tell me something that not a lot of people know about you.


I hate facebook.


And now I must think of 8 questions and tag 8 people to join in on the fun!


1. If you could have lunch with any famous person who would it be and why?
2. Describe your dream house.
3. If you could start your life all over again, would you change anything? why or why not?
4. When you were growing up, what did you want to be?
5. What are your favorite stores to shop at?
6. What is your favorite holiday?
7. Describe your perfect day.
8. Please list your favorite TV show, movie, and band. 


And now for my victoms....
1. My Widow BFF Rachel
2. Stacey @ Don't Stop Believin'
3. Ally @ Just me vs the world
4. Mandy @ Loving, Living, and Learning
5. Natasha @ Our Paid Pleasures
6. Kim @ Home is with you
7. Brooke @ It's Toner Time
8. and that's it!! 

not so wordless wednesday

Michael's promotion to Sergeant 

January 2009

He chose me to pin him, which is a huge honor for a military wife.

Finally, a man's wallet! 

If you are not too familiar with my etsy shop, you know I only make women's accessories. 

So it was pretty cool for me when I came out with a man's wallet.

There is only one, so hurry up! 

Click here to view my store!

Also, I wanted to take some time to thank Mrs. Muffins for my beautiful blog layout! She did a wonderful job and if you are wanting to spruce up your blog, definitely hook up with her. You will definitely be happy with the outcome. Thank you so much Nicole!

Anyway, sorry for the lack of posts. Right now I am in my own little bubble of denial. The one year mark is approaching faster than what I am comfortable with. This year has gone by much faster than what I am comfortable with. Right now I am dealing with things that I don't want to deal with, but I know if I don't deal with them know, it will come out later on and who knows how that will surface. So right now I am just approaching everything the only way I know how, one moment at a time. That is all. 

wordless wednesday

right hand

So I am mostly right handed. 

But I am slightly ambidextrous.

I can eat with my left hand.

I can type with my left hand. (I am doing it now)

When I used to play softball, I would bat left handed.

I can drive with my left hand. 

I just can't write so well with my left hand. 

That's why I say I am slightly ambidextrous.

Nonetheless, I am right handed.

Losing Michael is like someone chopping off my right hand. 

Without it I would have a really hard time, but I think I could learn to get by. 

Right now, I am having a really hard time, but I think I could learn to get by. 

Adapt. 

Overcome. 

where were you?

September 11th, 2001.

I was a freshmen in high school. I was in my 3rd period class - symphonic band. Michael was in this class with me. We were just beginning to warm up when the principal came on the loud speaker. He said something about an accident taking place in NYC. It was just an accident, there was nothing to really worry about. So once the announcements were over, we continued to play. We were in the midst of marching band season, so practicing was crucial. Not too long after the first announcement, the principal came back on and made another announcement to say that the other tower had been hit. He advised all the teachers to turn on the TVs, so Mr. H (our band director) did so. He was an ex Marine, so he knew that this was no accident. He told us to look at the clock, because you will remember this moment for the rest of our lives. I remember not going to lunch, I just stayed in the band room, watching the news with everyone else. I had to go to my next class. I just remember a lot of people having their parents pick them up from school. Michael and his mom used to drive me to and from school everyday (we lived down the street from each other), so I remember meeting up with him to find out if he was getting picked up early; he wasn't so we stayed. 9/11 was a Tuesday, so I am not sure if band practice was canceled or not. We had practice every Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, games on Fridays and competitions on Saturdays.

Things were different after 9/11. It was in large part, why Michael joined the Marine Corps. It was definitely why he went to Iraq. I remember when Michael was home for his first R&R, we went and saw World Trade Center with a group of friends. During the entire movie I just cried and cried and cried. I knew that because of 9/11, that's why Michael was over there. 9/11 changed a lot in my eyes.

It's different for me now though, I feel that pain now. I feel the pain of losing someone I love so much. I know how those who have lost someone feel and have felt.

Ground Zero - Taken June 2005

‎"Now, we have inscribed a new memory alongside those others. It’s a memory of tragedy and shock, of loss and mourning. But not only of loss and mourning. It’s also a memory of bravery and self-sacrifice, and the love that lays down its life for a friend–even a friend whose name it never knew. “

-President George W. Bush

Never Forget

acceptance

One thing that I have learned so far in the past 10 months (yes, it's been 10 freakin months already) is that I have yet to accept Michael's death. I have not come to terms with it. I have yet to make peace. I still think that he is coming back. I can't wrap my head around forever. It's extremely frustrating because I don't want it to be true, to the very core of me, I do not want this to be real. But I don't want to feel this way anymore either. I don't want to wake up in the middle of the night searching for Michael anymore. I don't want to have to periodically google his name to read old new articles to convince myself, that this is real. I guess I just want to believe it. I hate that it is like this. I hate that this is it.

At times when I don't want to believe it, I almost feel like that kid who sticks their fingers in their ears and shuts their eyes closed so tight and just yells "LALALALA". It's ridiculous but when I think about myself and not wanting to accept this, that's how I envision it. I know it's there, but if I try really hard not to see it or hear it, then it must not be real.

If you know me on a personal level, you know that I hate hate hate talking about that day. The day that "everything happened", as I describe it. If you go back to my very first blog post on here, you'll see that I didn't even want to talk about. I am pretty sure that most of my family nor friends know my side of that day. So I couple of months ago, I sat down one night and I wrote about it. I wrote every detail that I remembered and I submitted it to the American Widow Project website to be featured. Yesterday, it was posted and it was sort of a relief to have others be able to read about it. To have my friends, who I have met through the AWP, finally be able to know about our story, because many of my friends don't know. If you want to read it for yourself, you can go here, there are also a lot of other stories that were written by other amazing military widows. I hate that there is such a thing as a military widow, but the AWP is such an amazing place for us to be.


Here is a side noteee... If you read my story, you'll read the part where I told the Chaplain that I don't believe in God. I do, I do believe in God, I do believe in Heaven and I believe that Michael is there. But at the time, I did not want to believe that a God, who is supposed to love and protect, took away my husband. I didn't want to think that the God I knew and loved could destroy both of our lives, our future, everything. So please, I know it may be hard if you feel passionately about religion and God, but throw yourself into a life shattering situation, and you too, will be questioning everything about him. I do believe that there is a God, I do go to church, but I do still question why Michael, why us. I still don't understand it but I know that when it's my time, I will know why. 

another week, another sunday

Well I haven't done one of these "getting to know you sunday" surveys in a while. And since I am here, and it's Sunday and I have nothing really better to do, I figured I would go ahead and fill it out. If you want to get the questions for yourself please visit here and follow the directions.

1. Do you like seafood?

I really LOVE seafood. I think I could eat seafood just about everyday for the rest of my life. 

2. Are mermaids hot?

Sure

3. Have you swam in the ocean?

I have, can't really swim, but I have tried

4. If you got stung by a jellyfish, would you let a stranger pee on you?

It depends on how bad it hurt.

5. Have you ever pee'd in the ocean?

Who hasn't?

6. Can you make a cute fish face? (Show a pic..if you want)

Nope.

7. When you see the lobster tank at the grocery store do you just have this overwhelming urge to set them free or cook them up?

Depends on how hungry I am. I mostly want to eat them.

8. Are you afraid of sharks?

Who isn't?!

Also, just in case you were wondering, my cat is still alive. I don't think I have the guts to release her into the wild and make her a free kitty. I have to remember that she was Michael and I's first fur baby. Plus, she's pretty cute. 

effing cat

98% of the time, I love my cat. The other 2% of the time, I fucking hate her. In my kitchen, above my cabinets, I have a space in between the top of the cabinets and the ceiling - I have no idea what it is called - but it's there, and I decorated it with stuff. Mostly empty bottles of wine Michael and I have shared. Two little bottles of champagne that I saved from our wedding. Decorative pictures. A big letter "M". I even hung Christmas lights up there, they look really good at night. 

So why am I talking about the damn space in between my cabinets and ceiling and what does it have to do with my fucking cat?! Well my little princess loves to be a cat and run along my very nicely placed emptied wine bottles, for none other reason than being a fucking cat. Well tonight she was up there, like usual, and I was about to sit down to edit some pictures for some newly finished purses I just made, all until I heard a big CRASH! The fucking cat knocked something down. I figured it was a bottle. I thought it's ok, as long as it's not the really important one. I have quiet a few up there. She already broke the second most important bottle a few months ago - a bottle of wine we swiped from Michael's homecoming Marine Corps Ball. She wouldn't have broken the most important bottle up there. 

I ran into my kitchen, I saw a broken mess, I was immediately angry. I doubled back, ran into the garage to grab my latter. The little bitch was still up there. I got the latter, I tried to grab her by the nape of the neck, no luck. I wanted to ring her neck, but no luck. As I was getting off the latter, I look over to my stove. My brand new Samsung stove that I bought when I moved into my house. My stove that costs just about $1000.... There is a fucking crater in the glass top. I started bawling. I'm trying to do this. I am trying to do this on my own. And this fucking cat. AHHH!!!!!! I screamed. 

Whhhyyyy does this shit happen? Hasn't karma already had its fun with me?! This is just one more thing that I do not want to deal with. But whatever, its just a stove top. It can be replaced. However, an empty bottle of wine you shared with your dead husband, cannot. 

Oh yes, that bottle of wine. That bottle of wine that we shared on our second wedding anniversary BROKE. That fucking cat (that we pick out 3 years ago this month) broke the one and only wine bottle that I cared about. Frei Brothers Chardonnay - 2007. The cheapest bottle of white at The Melting Pot. We felt cool ordering a whole bottle of wine. When the server brought over the bottle and poured a little bit for Michael to taste it, he acted out all the things a wine professional might do. Yes, he swirled the glass, and he smelled it. Did he know what he was looking for - nope. But he did it anyway. He said it was fine and we drank it. It definitely was not the best wine I have ever had, but sharing it with Michael only made it so much sweeter. When I realized it was that bottle of wine I screamed again. I walked into my living room and just fell on to the floor bawling my eyes out. I am still in tears. And for a few minutes I wanted to kill my cat. I even went looking for her. She better be thanking her lucky stars that I did not find her.

It's probably not good that I put so much value on things like that. But how can you not? Any other normal married couple can just go to the store, buy the same exact stupid bottle of wine, pop it open and drink it together. We can't. Never again will we be able to celebrate a wedding anniversary and share another stupid cheap bottle of wine again. So the moral of the story here is... don't get a cat, they are evil and they will break your important things.

the hurt

There are no words tonight. I guess you can say it has just been "one of those days". Worthlessness. Helplessness. Longing. Missing. D all of the above. I just miss you Michael. This can't be real.

“There is one pain I often feel, which you will never know. It is cause by the absence of you.” -unknown

“Pleasure of love lasts but a moment, pain of love lasts a lifetime.” -unknown

“What will survive of us is love” -Philip Larkin

I love you my Tayte. 

live

One thing that I am continuously reminded of doing ever since Michael died is to live again. To somehow find my way. Besides losing Michael, it is one of the hardest things I think I have to do. Why do I deserve to live and enjoy life when Michael lost his? Why him and not me? Why do I get to do the things that both he and I wanted to together?

I feel guilty. But there are definitely two sides to this coin. Part of me wants to waste away in bed. To never venture out and experience life. But the other part of me wants to do it all because Michael can't. That maybe through me, he can experience it too. That just because Michael can't live for himself anymore, that's even more reason for me to live for the both of us.

I've started out with baby steps. I think my first step in living again was at the first American Widow Project event in January. Doing little things here and there. Buying our house. Renting that beach condo for our anniversary. Starting up my etsy business. Taking a road trip. The last thing I did was go to another AWP event to Savannah, GA. I stepped out of my comfort zone, I took a leap of faith and I did something, not only for myself but for Michael too.

I meet new friends. I got closer to old friends. I talked about Michael. I shared his life with others. I PARASAILED. I went to a dueling piano bar. I laughed. I cried. I helped out others. I released a Thai wish lantern. I shared our story with others. I grew. I made a step forward.

Last weekend, I stepped out and I lived again. Not just for me, but for Michael too.

wordless wednesday

Got this idea from a friend of mine.

August 2006. R&R - Fort Myers, FL