One thing that I am continuously reminded of doing ever since Michael died is to live again. To somehow find my way. Besides losing Michael, it is one of the hardest things I think I have to do. Why do I deserve to live and enjoy life when Michael lost his? Why him and not me? Why do I get to do the things that both he and I wanted to together?
I feel guilty. But there are definitely two sides to this coin. Part of me wants to waste away in bed. To never venture out and experience life. But the other part of me wants to do it all because Michael can't. That maybe through me, he can experience it too. That just because Michael can't live for himself anymore, that's even more reason for me to live for the both of us.
I've started out with baby steps. I think my first step in living again was at the first American Widow Project event in January. Doing little things here and there. Buying our house. Renting that beach condo for our anniversary. Starting up my etsy business. Taking a road trip. The last thing I did was go to another AWP event to Savannah, GA. I stepped out of my comfort zone, I took a leap of faith and I did something, not only for myself but for Michael too.
I meet new friends. I got closer to old friends. I talked about Michael. I shared his life with others. I PARASAILED. I went to a dueling piano bar. I laughed. I cried. I helped out others. I released a Thai wish lantern. I shared our story with others. I grew. I made a step forward.
Last weekend, I stepped out and I lived again. Not just for me, but for Michael too.