Thursday, September 30, 2010

oh this season...

I think as time goes on, I am slowly starting to come out of my "fog". Sometimes I am totally in the clear. I can breath, I can feel, I can realize. But soon after I have felt enough, that fog rolls in again and my mind is clouded. That's how it's been lately. I'm just here. Not feeling, not realizing, just breathing. A few days will pass by and I'll think to myself "what have I been doing the past couple of days?!". I genuinely won't remember a thing. It's like I am suspended is this life, not realizing that time is continuing.

It has become apparent to me that I am stuck. I am stuck in denial. I don't want to believe that he is gone. I still wear my wedding rings. I still say I'm married. I hate saying the word "widow". I don't feel like it fits me. Because I still feel like I am married. I have a ton of pictures of Michael and us on my walls. Sometimes I'll look at the pictures and I won't even be aware that he's gone. It's like my mind reverts back to 2008, and he is still deployed. I avoid painful things. I haven't gone to the cemetery in weeks. Michael's family put a porcelain picture of Michael on his slab of granite, and I have still yet to go see it because it just makes everything more real. I avoid talking about the lawsuit. I have been thinking about calling the San Diego Police Department to see have has been done concerning the case against the man who killed him. But I won't call, because it is too painful. I don't want this to be true. It's like I am that kid stomping her feet on the ground throwing a fit because I am not getting something I want. I want this not to be true.

It has been almost a year. It has been 328 days. I am staring at that number in disbelief. I don't want it to be that long since I have seen my love. It's now fall, the last season we spent together. It's about to be the last month that we spent together too. It breaks my heart. After November 6th, I can't say anymore "Well, last year we did this...".

I think fall was always our favorite season. It was always when marching band was in full swing with football games and competitions. Fall meant the Marine Corps Ball. Pumpkin spice lattes. Hot chocolate. Spending hours on end outside with the dogs. Halloween. Thanksgiving. When Michael was deployed, it always meant that the end was near. Wearing hoodies and sweaters. Snuggling. I miss this season meaning something good. Now, it's just another season that is here without Michael. This is the first season that I have been aware that it's another season without him. It sucks. I would never wish this on my worst enemy.

I miss you so much.



  1. This is so crazy I have a "Fall" post too because I always call fall our season since we got to spend TWO of them together (instead of one or part) and we always had the most fun in fall. Wow.

    And the line about not being able to say "Last year we did" yeah, I'm cryin a little bit because in a few months, I'll be there too.

    I love you wbff and if you ever wanna chat, or cry, or scream, or even laugh (because you know I'm ridiculous) don't hesitate to call. And if you ever need me, like really really need me, I'll figure out a way to get there.

  2. Well I'm new to the widow sisterhood and blogosphere. Everything you said in this post totally resonates with me. I'm just 2 months in to this crazy ride of widowhood, and Fall is the first season that I am entering without Elliott in my life. I already think about when the year mark approaches, and how scary it must be. I know it will be hear too soon. My heart breaks for you that it's just around the corner. The time thing is so crazy, I feel like as widows we live in a different dimension of time compared to the rest of the world. ... sending love your way