Thursday, September 9, 2010


One thing that I have learned so far in the past 10 months (yes, it's been 10 freakin months already) is that I have yet to accept Michael's death. I have not come to terms with it. I have yet to make peace. I still think that he is coming back. I can't wrap my head around forever. It's extremely frustrating because I don't want it to be true, to the very core of me, I do not want this to be real. But I don't want to feel this way anymore either. I don't want to wake up in the middle of the night searching for Michael anymore. I don't want to have to periodically google his name to read old new articles to convince myself, that this is real. I guess I just want to believe it. I hate that it is like this. I hate that this is it.

At times when I don't want to believe it, I almost feel like that kid who sticks their fingers in their ears and shuts their eyes closed so tight and just yells "LALALALA". It's ridiculous but when I think about myself and not wanting to accept this, that's how I envision it. I know it's there, but if I try really hard not to see it or hear it, then it must not be real.

If you know me on a personal level, you know that I hate hate hate talking about that day. The day that "everything happened", as I describe it. If you go back to my very first blog post on here, you'll see that I didn't even want to talk about. I am pretty sure that most of my family nor friends know my side of that day. So I couple of months ago, I sat down one night and I wrote about it. I wrote every detail that I remembered and I submitted it to the American Widow Project website to be featured. Yesterday, it was posted and it was sort of a relief to have others be able to read about it. To have my friends, who I have met through the AWP, finally be able to know about our story, because many of my friends don't know. If you want to read it for yourself, you can go here, there are also a lot of other stories that were written by other amazing military widows. I hate that there is such a thing as a military widow, but the AWP is such an amazing place for us to be.

Here is a side noteee... If you read my story, you'll read the part where I told the Chaplain that I don't believe in God. I do, I do believe in God, I do believe in Heaven and I believe that Michael is there. But at the time, I did not want to believe that a God, who is supposed to love and protect, took away my husband. I didn't want to think that the God I knew and loved could destroy both of our lives, our future, everything. So please, I know it may be hard if you feel passionately about religion and God, but throw yourself into a life shattering situation, and you too, will be questioning everything about him. I do believe that there is a God, I do go to church, but I do still question why Michael, why us. I still don't understand it but I know that when it's my time, I will know why. 



  1. I had a hard time reading your AWP story. I read along and figured where the point was when you called me. Then I remembered the rest of that day for me, getting home, the plane ride, being in a daze, crying all the way, the nice flight attendant that moved us to the front of the plane and made sure we had water, tissues and blankets and then getting to San Diego, seeing you the first time. Going thru the "Days Ahead" with you. Doing my best at "being strong" for the family when inside and outside I was hurting so so bad. Taryn's Dad Roland describes it best "It's like seeing your kid struggling in water almost drowning and you are behind a 20 foot chain link fence - Helpless, not being able to do much but yell and watch. Not a good feeling." I love you Allison Lee.

  2. I think the acceptance, TRUE acceptance is going to take a while, and may never happen. Hell, it's been 3 years since Dan passed away and I'm still not okay with any of it.
    As for the entire not believing in God thing. Anyone who judges you on that, or has a problem with that, has never been through anything like this. My pastor said right away that it is okay for us to question our God. It is something normal, and sometimes we'll never understand what has been handed to us until it's our time to take our place in Heaven.
    Thanks again for sharing your part of that terrible day. It's an incredibly hard thing to do, and I think a part of me didn't want to share my story because then it made it really REAL.
    Keep that beautiful head up girlie. You are amazing!! Hugs and love!!!!

  3. Your post was devastating. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. No one should have to go through something like that, and one day no one will. I am very religous but don't think twice about you saying that you didn't believe in God. I had something traumatic happen to me and it was very easy to be angry with God and not understand why. Like you said, one day everyone will understand why....praying for you!

  4. i came across your blog today from a post from Mrs Muffins. your story has truly touched my heart. you're so strong. i pray that you find peace. semper fi <3