Vanilla Twilight

There is this song by Owl City that I am in love with because I feel like it is talking about the missing and longing that I feel for Michael. It brings me comfort to think about him and this song is talk about just that, thinking of the one you love who is no longer with you. This song is so good, I suggest downloading it!

The stars lean down to kiss you
And I lie awake and miss you
Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere

'Cause I'll doze off safe and soundly
But I'll miss your arms around me
I'd send a postcard to you, dear
'Cause I wish you were here

I'll watch the night turn light-blue
But it's not the same without you
Because it takes two to whisper quietly

The silence isn't so bad
'Til I look at my hands and feel sad
'Cause the spaces between my fingers
Are right where yours fit perfectly

I'll find repose in new ways
Though I haven't slept in two days
'Cause cold nostalgia
Chills me to the bone

But drenched in vanilla twilight
I'll sit on the front porch all night
Waist-deep in thought because
When I think of you I don't feel so alone

I don't feel so alone, I don't feel so alone

As many times as I blink
I'll think of you tonight
I'll think of you tonight

When violet eyes get brighter
And heavy wings grow lighter
I'll taste the sky and feel alive again

And I'll forget the world that I knew
But I swear I won't forget you
Oh, if my voice could reach
Back through the past
I'd whisper in your ear
Oh darling, I wish you were here

Eulogy

At Michael's funeral, I got up and gave the eulogy. People ask me how I did it and I really don't know how to answer them. I just did. I really had no idea what is supposed to go into a eulogy, so I just talked about him and told everyone about the Michael that I am so in love with.

Here it is...

Michael Martins was born on August 24th, 1986 in Livingston New Jersey. He was born to a very beautiful and loving family. Gene and Maria Martins already had a son, Daniel, who is 4 years older than Michael. Shortly after the birth of Michael, the family welcomed a baby girl, Crystal, into their lives. At that time, their family was complete.

I remember hearing stories of their childhood, Dan and Michael riding bikes and some how, on more than one occasion, with the help of Dan, Michael managed to get hit by a car, no matter if it was moving or parked. Not once, but twice. The small family of 5 decided to move to Cape Coral Fl in 1993. They moved to the house that they have lived in ever since. Michael would tell me stories about how Dan did not want to hang out with his younger brother, so he resorted to playing kitchen with Crystal in the back yard. From what Maria and Gene, and pretty much everyone else who was close to him explained to me how Michael knew how to pitch a fit, be independent, and he certainly knew how to be completely stubborn.

When it came to high school, Michael followed his brother Dan over to Mariner High School. He also followed his bother and played the tuba in both concert band and marching band.

I met Michael when I was 14 years old. I lived down the street from Michael for about a year before we even knew each other. I didn’t meet my neighbor until summer band practices in 2001. Our parents coordinated times to pick up and drop us off for school, mandatory band practices, competitions, and football games. Michael would always try to flirt with me. Which would consist of poking me in the side or awkwardly trying to tickle me. This, obviously prevented me from perusing things with Michael for the majority of our high school experience. Ever since Michael and I got together, almost every time I see Maria, she tells me the story how she kept asking Michael to go and ask me out, he always said no. He would shyly claim that we are just friends.

During high school, Michael obviously was the class clown. It would not be surprising if you saw him running around the band room before competitions in boxers, goofing off with the tuba section, or committing inappropriate acts with his tuba. Michael was always a dedicated tuba player and would commit a lot of his free time to practicing and improving his tuba skills. Michael’s best friends, Stacey and Bryan were practically all attached, they all shared an obsession for Harry Potter. I remember, they even exchanged Harry Potter paraphernalia for one Christmas.

During Michael’s senior year, he was voted by his graduating class as having the “best smile” which we alllllll know is sooo true and sooo appropriate. He was also elected as tuba section leader. As a senior in high school, Michael made the decision to enlist in the United States Marine Corps. After graduating from high school, he went to Parris Island, South Carolina for Marine Corps Boot Camp in the summer of 2004.

While at boot camp he held a squad leader position for a portion of his time there. Every once in a while he would mention to me how much he missed boot camp and from time to time he would make fun of the DIs.
Michael then attended Marine Combat Training at Camp Lejune, North Carolina. After Michael graduated from MCT school, he came home for recruiter assistant leave. Right after Michael came home he decided to give my best friend Jamie and call to see what was going on... However, at that time, Jamie had a boyfriend, but I was completely single. Jamie immediately passed the phone over to me after she explained to him that I was available. The next day, Michael gave me a call and we decided to go on a date to “junk-a-noos” on the beach. It was such an awkward time for the both of us because we were SUCH good friends during high school and it just did not seem natural, but none the less we did have an amazing time. Our liking for each other grew, and before we both knew it, we fell in love. I still remember our first kiss together and I can still feel those butterflies flutter in my stomach. But we soon both realized that our relationship would not last because Michael had a career ahead of him and I was still in high school.

Michael attended the Marine Air Ground Task Force Training at the Navy and Marine Corps Training Center in Dam Neck, Virginia. The Marine Corps considers this MOS, or Marine Occupational School for the Intelligence field. Michael then met his brothers in arms, Stephen Otico and Travis Silvest. While Michael was on student status, Michael was meritoriously promoted to Lance Corporal on March 2nd, 2005. When Michael graduated from MOS school he graduated 12th in his class in May 2005. Upon graduating Michael, along with Otico, Silvest and Jack Britton, were assigned to Head Quarters Company 5th Marine Regiment in Camp Pendleton California.

So it was not until about 6 months after we broke things off, Michael and I started to talk again. He reconnected with me on a little website known as Myspace. After 1 day of e-mailing, we started communicating on the phone and we talked everyday for a month straight. During this time, Michael asked me if I would like to attend the Marine Corps Ball with him in Las Vegas NV in November of 2005. Obviously I said yes.

Three months later, in February of 2006, Michael was deployed to Camp Fallujah, Iraq. While there, Michael was sent to work with 1st Battalion 1st Marines to support their S-2 shop. During his deployment, Michael got promoted to the rank of Corporal. He was Corporal Michael Martins. He finally came home on January 31st, 2007, which is actually my birthday. Maria, Gene, Daniel, Crystal, and I all welcomed him only on a rainy morning. On that particular day, I found out that I got accepted to San Diego State University in California. This information changed my life.

Shortly after his return to the United States, Michael came home to visit his family and I. ::MENTION STORY OF HOW HE WAS TOO AFRAID TO ASK DAD TO MARRY ME:: Michael finally mustered up the courage to propose to me on March 18th, 2007.

Michael and I said our beloved “I do’s” to each other on May 12th, 2007. We had a perfect and beautiful ceremony on Fort Myers Beach in the presence of our parents and siblings. Even though it was not exactly the wedding that either one of us hoped or dreamed for, it ended up being everything and more. it was the best day of both of our lives. I will never forget that day for the rest of my life.

One short month later, I made the cross country trip from Florida to San Diego California to be with my new husband. Married life came so easy and natural to us. Michael would work during the week and I started up my education in hopes to one day to become a nurse.

During this time Michael became friends with Robert Greenwood, Daryl Mullins, and his best friend Trey Stewart. Those three were constantly at our house and they quickly became family.

Unfortunately, in January of 2008, my family, Michael, Travis, Stephen, Jack, Robert, Daryl, and Trey all got deployed to Al Asad Iraq. During this particular tour Michael bounced around Iraq helping out other units and battalions in support of Operation Iraqi Freedom. On October 1st, 2008, Michael made the choice to reenlist in the United States Marine Corps and promised to commit another four years to our country. Michael finally got on a plane December 6th, 2008 and arrived home 2 days later.

On January 1st, 2009 Michael was finally promoted and he gave me the honors of pinning on his new rank of Sergeant. While trying to adjust to our lives of living together again, Michael and I made a permanent change of duty station to Miramar California, which is still in San Diego. Michael was assigned to Head Quarters Squadron, Marine Aircraft Group 11. Around the same time, we adopted our goober of a pup, Koby. More recently, in July we adopted our lovable baby pit bull, Milo.

Over the last year, Michael had been constantly working on his package to the Marine Enlisted Commissioning Education Program, which would allow him to go to college and upon graduation, be commissioned as a Marine Corps Officer. We both decided that this would be the best decision to ensure us of the best life possible.

Michael and I hoped to one day have children, we even coordinated with Daniel and his beautiful wife AnnMarie to have a soccer team of children. We wanted to travel and see the world. We hoped to purchase and own our own house, and maybe even one day a BMW to park inside the garage. We were on top of the word and for us, the sky was the limit.

Just over a week ago, you cooked me dinner. Just over a week ago you were contemplating if it was a good idea to rent or buy a house. Just over a week ago you were taking the pups out and nagged me about what time I would be out of class. Just over a week ago you bugged me about the laundry, and a apologized about the amount of time I spent at work and school. Just over a week ago you told me you loved me and kiss me good bye.

If I have learned anything from this horrible horrible situation its just how much you really loved me, how much you have touched everyone in your life, and just how much you will be missed Michael Martins. I love you forever and infinity my Tayte!!!!


There is a part in there, the second to last paragragh that I could not read. I would not have been able to make it to the end, so I just skipped to the last paragragh.

I love you Michael.

Bah hum bug

Seriously. I could care less about Christmas this year. Yes, I am celebrating the birth of our savor, Jesus Christ, but besides that, I could care less about presents, trees, lights, songs, shopping, or santa. My heart is broken and there really isn't any room in the pieces for Christmas. Michael and I were supposed to spend Christmas alone this year. This was going to be the first Christmas together that we did not have to travel, no worrying about getting up at the crack of dawn to catch flights, no packing, nothing. Just us with our boys and girl. I want that time back and I am angry that I will never have it.

I am in Kansas right now visiting my dad, step-mom, and brothers and sisters. It's a good way to take my mind off things. My sister Alexis is about 8 1/2 months pregnant and I am so proud of her. She is giving her baby girl up for adoption to a very loving couple who lives in New York City. I am so proud of her because she realized that she would not be able to give her child a good life in the situation is she is: a college girl with no significant other. Out of this crappy situation, she is bringing this couple so much joy and happiness. I really am so proud of her.

I have been thinking a lot about Michael and him being a father. I have always had visions of him holding our baby after it was born and seeing him beaming from ear to ear with tears in his eyes. He was going to be an amazing father. I am not going to lie, I thought I was pregnant after the accident and the odds were in my favor. But I'm not. I figured it would be fine either way. But I was hoping that I really was pregnant. Michael will never have the chance to be a dad. There are so many things that make me so angry! He was not supposed to die!

I had a dream last night about Michael. In this dream I was concerned because Michael was on deployment to Iraq and he did not call me for about two to three weeks. I had gotten a call from the FRO (family readiness officer) saying that Michael was hurt, but he was ok. For some reason, in this dream I wasn't really too worried though. I did not know about the seriousness of his injuries. I was just patient about getting a phone call from him, eventually. Which is actually weird because I know for a fact, in that case I would not be patient. Anyway, back to the dream, out of the blue, Michael comes home. I was so happy to see him and I found out that his injuries really were not all that bad. At first I thought that he was deaf because he was trying to talk to me but he couldn't. Then I found out that his legs went paralyzed because he sat on the toilet for too long (which does not surprise me, Michael would do something like that) but he was fine. No physical injuries that I could see. That was it. That was my dream. Nothing about living happily ever after. I don't know if he stayed with me after he came home.

Lately I have been feeling sort of upset and down in the dumps because many other people have had these significant dreams about Michael. Almost like Michael reached out to them from Heaven to let them know that he was ok. I'm just jealous I guess because I am his wife, the love of his life. If he was able to reach out to other people to give them messages, then why wouldn't he reach out to me? I just miss Michael. More than he will ever know.

No star in the sky will burn longer than my love for you.

Strong

When you hear about something as tragic as someone losing their husband it definitely breaks your heart. I hear people all the time tell me that they cannot imagine what I am going through. That I am so strong for getting things done and doing the necessary things. Some people have even told me that if it were them, they don't know how they would get up and out of bed. How they would be a total wreck. Ultimately, I do not know what to think when people tell me these things. The first thing I feel is guilt. Should I be in bed all day? I'm not, do I not miss my husband or am I just not as effected as someone else might be? Then after I really think about it, I get pissed because that person (without realizing it) made me feel guilty for not mourning my husband the way they would.

I have come to three conclusions as to why I have not done said acts. First, Michael and I have spent about half of our relationship/marriage away from one another. So it is not totally a new thing to not be around him 24/7. Second, I really have not been alone much. The few times that I have been by myself I am typically in bed. I try not to be because I know if I do so, I will be an effin' mess. Finally, I am literally a walking shell. I look like Allison, I talk like Allison, but I am really not Allison. I lost myself when I lost Michael. My brain has officially taken over and reverted to autopilot. The majority of the time I am numb. I know that Michael is gone. I feel my blood boiling underneath my skin when I think that I will never be able to touch his perfect face again or taste his kiss or smell his essence, his being. When I actually let myself take this all in, then I am a mess.

I think for now, I will let my brain do its job and keep me numb for a little while longer. I have the rest of my life to feel this blood boiling pain.

I love you so much Michael. Just remember, no star in the sky will burn longer than my love for you.

Much love,
The shell of Allison Martins :)

Saving Grace

So in the blur that was the first few days (I really should be saying weeks) after the accident people, including my family and close friends, all rushed to be by my side. Many of them where there to be emotional support and were there to even make me laugh when I needed to. A few took on the responsibility of cleaning and picking up food. A few did laundry. Which I am very thankful for, please do not get me wrong, it was a huge help. But Michael's clothes were washed too. I never really realized it until a week or two ago, but in those days of helping out, Michael's smell was being washed away. Yes I still have his cologne, but I don't have his essence. The cologne is fine alone, but when you mix it in with someone's sweat and body heat, the smell changes a little bit. Over the past few day I would catch myself going into the closet and smelling his clothes to see if I could get a good whiff of Michael. No luck.

However tonight... typically I have been wearing Michael's clothes to bed. Consisting of t-shirts, pajama bottoms, and even boxers. Well tonight when I was getting dressed for bed, I pulled out a shirt from Michael's drawer. It was an RCT-5 shirt from his last deployment to Iraq. As I was pulling it over my head I couldn't believe it, I smelled him! Michael was the type that if he wore a shirt once, most likely he would fold it back up and put it in his drawer to wear it a second time... may be even a third. He must have done just that with this shirt! So here I am laying here in bed, with this shirt over my nose just breathing in my husband. I know this is sad, but I think this is the happiest I have been ever since this all has happened. This one shirt is my saving grace. My little escape from this mess.

Thank you for being with me Michael. I will always and forever love you!

No star in the sky will burn longer than my love for you!

Energy

Like always, I am thinking about Michael. When Michael was here with us he always had this huge energy that drew people towards him (he definitely drew me in). He had such a huge personality. In my opinion, he effected everyone in the room. He was full of life and energy. Where does that all go? I am a firm believer in science and in the 1st law of thermodynamics it says: "energy is neither created nor destroyed. It can only change forms." I truly believe that Michael's energy is still here. His energy, by law, could not have been destroyed. I am actually comforted by this. I miss him more than anything. I pray to God everyday that he takes me soon because I am hurting here on earth.

Michael I miss you so much. I love you so much. I will be with you soon.

No star in the sky will burn longer than my love for you.

One Year Ago

Today, one year ago, Michael came home from his last and final deployment. It marked an exciting and scary time for us. Exciting- because he was FINALLY home! Scary- because he was gone for a year and it was going to take some time to adjust to being together again.

It was also the new beginning of our lives together. Things were only going to get better. We were finally moving down to San Diego after living in Oceanside for a year and a half. This meant I was not going to have to drive an hour and a half to school and back. The possibilities of things to do in San Diego were endless. We made plans to get a dog. Michael was wrapping up putting together his MECEP package to hopefully become an officer in the Marine Corps. This was so important to him not only because he would one day become an officer in the Marine Corps, but it also meant he would be able to attend college for 4 years. Which meant no deployments for at least 4 years. After the first of the year, Michael also pinned on Sergeant. Things were only going to get better for us. And they did.

Today has been a tough day. I know I have many more lined up for me. I know that you are watching over me Michael.

No star in the sky will burn longer than my love for you. :)

No title needed

It has been just over a month since Michael passed away. I cannot believe that it has been this long already and it seems like it was just yesterday. I hate talking about the way I found out. It is far too painful to relive. Maybe someday I'll write about it but as of right now, there is no chance in hell.

Lately I have been numb. There have been a few distractions that have kept my mind from thinking about the loss but those distractions are only good for a small chunk of time. I miss Michael more than anything in the world. I know I have to continue living my life. I know that I must get up in the morning, get dressed and function like a normal human being. I know that if I didn't, I would not be representing Michael very well. I am proud of myself, however. There has not been one day that I have laid in bed all day. There have been days that I have gotten up and slept some place other than my bed, but I think that only happened twice. I believe this is due to the huge amount of things I need to get done. The phone calls, arrangements, thank you cards, family visits, holidays, and the list goes on.

I am so sad because Michael and I had so many plans and expectations for the way we wanted to live our lives. I am absolutely heartbroken that none of those dreams get to be lived out. Although, I am going to do the things that I can do myself. Like: buy a house, travel and see the world, love and take care of our dogs and cat to the best of my ability, take advantage of the time I have with my family, make my relationship with God much stronger, and carry my husband in my heart for the rest of my life. I love you Michael.

My plans for this blog is to sort of document, unfortunately, my life after the loss of my husband. Many people have told me that writing will help. In the next coming months I will be moving and traveling. I bought myself a christmas present this year, a brand new Sony a330 DSLR camera. I will be able to capture moments of my life, my travels, and my rebuilding. I hope whoever reads this will keep Michael in their heart and keep his memory alive.

I posted on my facebook today: The amount of tears I've cried is nothing compared to the pain inside. The time I've missed you has gone so quick, one month has passed and I am still effin' pissed, that you're up there and I'm down here, I feel as if I don't deserve to live without you here. I forget that you are no longer alive, but I will sure keep you livi...ng in my mind. I love you so much Michael. I just cannot believe that we will never be able to do the things we wanted to do like having children, buying a house, seeing the things we wanted to see, being two crazy old people stuck together for the rest of our lives, and just living everyday together in love. You will forever be my Tayte. I will forever be yours. No star in the sky will burn longer than my love for you.