Thursday, December 17, 2009


When you hear about something as tragic as someone losing their husband it definitely breaks your heart. I hear people all the time tell me that they cannot imagine what I am going through. That I am so strong for getting things done and doing the necessary things. Some people have even told me that if it were them, they don't know how they would get up and out of bed. How they would be a total wreck. Ultimately, I do not know what to think when people tell me these things. The first thing I feel is guilt. Should I be in bed all day? I'm not, do I not miss my husband or am I just not as effected as someone else might be? Then after I really think about it, I get pissed because that person (without realizing it) made me feel guilty for not mourning my husband the way they would.

I have come to three conclusions as to why I have not done said acts. First, Michael and I have spent about half of our relationship/marriage away from one another. So it is not totally a new thing to not be around him 24/7. Second, I really have not been alone much. The few times that I have been by myself I am typically in bed. I try not to be because I know if I do so, I will be an effin' mess. Finally, I am literally a walking shell. I look like Allison, I talk like Allison, but I am really not Allison. I lost myself when I lost Michael. My brain has officially taken over and reverted to autopilot. The majority of the time I am numb. I know that Michael is gone. I feel my blood boiling underneath my skin when I think that I will never be able to touch his perfect face again or taste his kiss or smell his essence, his being. When I actually let myself take this all in, then I am a mess.

I think for now, I will let my brain do its job and keep me numb for a little while longer. I have the rest of my life to feel this blood boiling pain.

I love you so much Michael. Just remember, no star in the sky will burn longer than my love for you.

Much love,
The shell of Allison Martins :)

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