It has been just over a month since Michael passed away. I cannot believe that it has been this long already and it seems like it was just yesterday. I hate talking about the way I found out. It is far too painful to relive. Maybe someday I'll write about it but as of right now, there is no chance in hell.
Lately I have been numb. There have been a few distractions that have kept my mind from thinking about the loss but those distractions are only good for a small chunk of time. I miss Michael more than anything in the world. I know I have to continue living my life. I know that I must get up in the morning, get dressed and function like a normal human being. I know that if I didn't, I would not be representing Michael very well. I am proud of myself, however. There has not been one day that I have laid in bed all day. There have been days that I have gotten up and slept some place other than my bed, but I think that only happened twice. I believe this is due to the huge amount of things I need to get done. The phone calls, arrangements, thank you cards, family visits, holidays, and the list goes on.
I am so sad because Michael and I had so many plans and expectations for the way we wanted to live our lives. I am absolutely heartbroken that none of those dreams get to be lived out. Although, I am going to do the things that I can do myself. Like: buy a house, travel and see the world, love and take care of our dogs and cat to the best of my ability, take advantage of the time I have with my family, make my relationship with God much stronger, and carry my husband in my heart for the rest of my life. I love you Michael.
My plans for this blog is to sort of document, unfortunately, my life after the loss of my husband. Many people have told me that writing will help. In the next coming months I will be moving and traveling. I bought myself a christmas present this year, a brand new Sony a330 DSLR camera. I will be able to capture moments of my life, my travels, and my rebuilding. I hope whoever reads this will keep Michael in their heart and keep his memory alive.
I posted on my facebook today: The amount of tears I've cried is nothing compared to the pain inside. The time I've missed you has gone so quick, one month has passed and I am still effin' pissed, that you're up there and I'm down here, I feel as if I don't deserve to live without you here. I forget that you are no longer alive, but I will sure keep you livi...ng in my mind. I love you so much Michael. I just cannot believe that we will never be able to do the things we wanted to do like having children, buying a house, seeing the things we wanted to see, being two crazy old people stuck together for the rest of our lives, and just living everyday together in love. You will forever be my Tayte. I will forever be yours. No star in the sky will burn longer than my love for you.