Thursday, June 3, 2010

6 months has come and now it is almost gone.
Almost 7 months since I have talked to the love of my life.

Some of my widow friends have told me that around this time, I'll start to feel the magnitude of losing him.
It's like someone turned on the water and then walked away.
And that same person has started to push a dagger through my chest and this person is slowly centimeter by centimeter pushing that dagger closer and closer to my heart.
I'm almost speechless.

That fear of forgetting him is more present than ever. I feel like the memories of him are being pushed out by the grief. But I can't bring them to the surface because it kills me. It kills me because I know that we will never make any new memories ever again. The morning of November 6th, 2009 was the last memories of him I will ever have.

I spent Memorial Day weekend in Washington DC with my widdas. I love being with them. When I am with those women, I feel almost normal again. I know that when I am with these other women no one is looking at me like a bad accident. I am able to laugh and not feel bad. And when I talk about what I am going through, I know that I am talking to someone who has gone through it, or is going through it too. It was amazing to be able to reconnect with some of the other widows from the Florida get-a-way as well as meet other widows. I was able to hear about other love stories and know that I am truly not alone. I don't know where I would be without them.

While we were there we went to Arlington. Being there was really hard. Right when I stepped off the bus, I felt like my heart was so heavy. It was hard to breathe at times. We went to section 60. Section 60 is where service men and women are buried from Iraq and Afghanistan. Being there was so hard. Even though Michael is not there, it felt like he was all around me. Seeing so many head stones there was unbearable. Being there reminded me, some how, that Michael is really gone. It was emotionally draining.

But now I am back at my home in Florida. I feel so alone here. I don't have friends here. No one here just calls me out of the blue to see how I am doing or to see if I want to meet up for coffee. The one and only time I really went out with friends was back in March. No one, besides my close friends, talked to me. No asked me to see what I was up to. It was soo weird. And the one and only person who talked to me (besides my close friends) asked me if I was dating yet! How awkward! I was already nervous about going out, and that made me want to stay locked up in my house forever. I hate being treated with kid gloves. I hate that its different now. But I also hate when people say stupid things. This is a huge reason why I just want to run away. Just go somewhere I don't know anyone. But then again, I would probably just feel the same way that I feel now. I know for a fact if Michael were here he would be telling that I need to put myself out there, that I need to make the effort. He's right, but it is just so hard when I have a hard time making the effort to get out of bed.

Michael is my best friend and he is gone. It didn't matter the situation, I could always tell him what was going on. It didn't matter if he was in Iraq and it was 3 am in the morning, I could write him and know that I would get a response from him. And the same went for him as well. He was my teammate in this game of life.

Accepting this and moving forward with my life is so difficult to do. I have truly forgotten to live without him.


  1. Being "treated with kid gloves" is exactly what I hated too!! It still happens, and it's almost been 3 years for me. People are just weird! They are going to say and do stupid things forever, but now it just hurts more! Chin up girlie!! Stay in bed when you want to, jump out and do a dance when you want to. Listen to yourself, and never push yourself to do anything that your gut and heart are telling you not to!!! <3!!!!

  2. Oh gosh Allison- he was my teammate in life- SO TRUE. I kept saying "but he was my person." It's that feeling, that feeling that leads to the loneliness. Love you!

  3. I'm really glad that you got a chance to get out there and have some fun. I wish I could understand what you were going though. I am really glad that you have found such a great group of friends that can understand. It's easier to get through life in groups. :)

  4. Maybe you'll forget a detail or a memory here and there but you'll never forget the love you feel for him which underlies and is the basis for all of your memories. Even though you won't make new memories physically with him, he's still apart of you in so many ways; therefore he is a part of any new memories and experiences to come. Keep on keepin' on, girlie. Lots of e-hugs!