One of my biggest fears since the beginning of this journey has been my memory of Michael slowly fading. I am so afraid that I will forget him. I am afraid that as new memories form the memories of Michael will slowly get pushed out. Just like the memories of high school are much more distant than the ones of college. I don't want Michael to go anywhere. I have been wanting to write all of the memories that I have of him down, but I just can't. For some reason is to too painful to remember each detail and relive it knowing that I will never feel that way again. But at the same time, I know its necessary.
I know for a fact that there are definitely memories that will never fade. For example, the first time we kissed and the way his lips felt against mine. It was completely different and I knew for some reason I wouldn't kiss anyone else. The look on his face when he came to pick me up from the airport in San Diego for my first visit out to see him. How it felt the first night I fell asleep in his arms. The emense pain I felt when I had to say "see you later" before he left for his first deployment. The horrific anticipation I felt the night he was coming home and the huge relief I felt when I saw his huge smile walking towards me and finally having him in my arms again for the first time in a year. The look in his eyes when he asked me to marry him.
I'm sorry I can't write everything that I wanted to write.
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I'm so sorry Allison. He will never leave you, and will always be a part of you. I wish I could reach across the country and give you a big hug right now.
ReplyDeleteChills. Everywhere, chills. At almost sixteen months I know that some things have "faded" but I know that they are not "lost." It scares the hell out of me too. Warren, a memory?! A past time of my life?! no way! He can't be just a chapter when he was supposed to be the whole book. Thing is, Michael IS your whole book. In every way you never thought he'd have to be but he is there. Sometimes little things trigger my memory and a memory I had forgotten slips into my mind that I didnt even know was there. He will be your trigger. Until your last breath you will walk in and out of pockets of him that he places before you. Because he would never leave you, and love would never abandon you. Especially the divine soul love that you and your Michael share. Just know, he has you. Just as he always did. He knows. And he sees. And he's got all of your memories stored with him safely. They can never be lost. Never.
ReplyDelete<3all my love, allison.
Thank you so much Kim! Your words are both comforting and beautiful and you are sooo right! They may get misplaced, but never lost.
ReplyDeleteHi Allison,
ReplyDeleteI found your blog on the American Widow Project Web site, and I am wondering if you would be interested in the latest book released by Andy Andrews, The Heart Mender. It is about a World War II widow and how she comes to terms with her new life, finds forgiveness, and learns to love again. It’s a really touching story that you may find beneficial and want to share with your readers. Please send me your mailing address if you would like to receive a complimentary copy.
Thank you.
JHughes@thomasnelson.com