tangled

Lately, I have been lost. Consumed in my thoughts and I cannot seem to find the right ways to untangle them to make everything make sense. Therefore I have not been able to write much. Lately I have been really effected by the garbage from some certain people in my life. It just makes it even more evident that I need to do some spring cleaning in the friendship department. These few people who I have in mind probably don't even have a clue that what they have done through their actions and words have so deeply effected me. Losing Michael has caused me to grow a backbone, in a sense. I don't put up with crap from people, and I have made it know when I don't like something.

I have learned that my days here are numbered. Life is too short to have people in your life who are just going to bring you down.

I have been finding myself desperately trying to keep myself distracted. I won't go to sleep until my eyes can no longer stay open. I will read until I wake up with the book on my chest in the middle of the night. I try to fill my day with mindless bull shit (honestly, I cannot find a better word for it) to keep me occupied. Maybe that's why my head has been such a mess lately. I just don't want to think about my husband being gone forever. However, I will have moments of clarity. Where I realize everything. It could be something as simple as his smile or the sound of his voice or the fact that he never took off his wedding ring. Then it will just trigger, like a hole being punched through my chest, I can't breath and my eyes fill with tears. My husband, my beautiful husband is dead. I will never get to touch his perfect body again. Kiss his beautiful lips. Hold his hand that fit into mine like a puzzle piece.

Sometimes I really just want to scream.