Does a new sense of low self esteem go hand in hand with being labeled a "widow"? I have never felt such a low sense of self esteem before. It's like I don't know myself anymore.
Obviously I don't.
I lost the only thing in my life that made sense.
When I lost you, I lost so many other things along with you.
My sense of belonging.
My sense of being.
When you were here everything made sense.
Now that you're gone everything is so confusing. Nothing is in order. Everything is a hectic, chaotic mess. I don't understand it. I don't get it. And that is so frustrating.
It's times like these that make me want to scream and rip all of my hair out!
I don't understand why you had to go!
I don't know where I belong anymore. The feeling of loneliness is so intense. When it was us, I didn't mind that I didn't have many close girl friends. Because I had you. You were my person. And that made everything ok. I knew where my place was. Now - I don't know where I belong. I feel weird with my single friends (the ones that still talk to me) and I feel out of place with my married friends (again... the ones that still talk to me). This feeling of wanting to belong is overwhelming. I know I have my widow friends, I love them all very dearly, but we are all scattered. And I hate to admit it, but when I am with them, that low self esteem kicks in again.
I hate the way I feel. I hate that your gone. I hate not having my person anymore.
That time machine would reallllly come in handy right about now!