it's that day AGAIN!

1.If you had 5000.00 to spend on plastic surgery what would you have done? 

 

Boobs. New boobs please. 

2. Do you watch Soap operas and if so what is your favorite and why? 

 

No. I really don't watch too much TV. But if you can consider Real Housewives a soap opera then that would be my favorite. 

3. Favorite clothing brand? 

 

Banana Republic, Anthropology,  Free People, anything from Nordstrom Rack, Marshalls, TJ Maxx, or Target.

4. An afternoon shopping spree at your favorite store or maid service for a year?

 

MAID SERVICE PLEASE!

5. would you ever vajazzle? 

 

What the freak is a vajazzle. Sounds nasty. No thanks. 

6. Favorite Disney Princess? 

 

The chick from sleeping beauty

7. Last movie that made you bawl your eyes out? 

 

I am not sure. I haven't watched any sad movies recently. I try to avoid them. But I did get kind of upset during New Moon. 

8. Have you ever broken any bones and if so what? 

 

Nope. Thank goodness.

run away

Lately my head has been mush. What's new? I can't seem to sort out my thoughts. And I hate that. I go through these cycles. Numb. Dumb. Angry. Pissed. Annoyed at everything. Sad. Always depressed.

I hate my life. I hate everything. I listed in a previous blog the things I am thankful for. And that's about it. Everything else can go away. And sometimes - I want all of those "silver linings" to go away too! I think my conclusion is - I just want to run away. I want to go somewhere where no one knows me. I want to be alone. I don't want to deal with anyone or talk to anyone. I miss Michael sooo much. When he was deployed, I couldn't deal with him being gone for so long. I never thought that it was possible to miss someone so much. I miss him a million times more than that. No. Infinity times more than that. It's ridiculous how much I miss that man.

If I can't have him, I don't want anyone or anything. It doesn't matter anymore. I just want to run away from everyone and everything that isn't Michael.

I feel like I am starting not to make sense anymore. And I don't care. This whole thing doesn't make sense. Michael dying - doesn't make sense. I mean obviously, we all die someday. But him, dying so young, doesn't make sense. How can someone just die? We had agreed to do the whole old, gray and nursing home thing. And now we're not. And that doesn't make sense.

If it wasn't almost 2 am, I would hop in my car and just start driving. I would drive until I didn't know where I was, and I would still continue to drive. I just want to go away.

But I can't. I'm stuck. And that is so frustrating.

oh

how I miss these days...
when we were just babies.
before anything happened and when we had nothing but time.
I would give anything to go back.




I don't know why today is so hard. I didn't want to wake up this morning because being unconscious was sooo much better than reality. I miss him so much! It seems like no matter what I do today, nothing takes it away. No matter how loud I blast my music, no matter how many purses I make, no matter how fast I drive. Nothing takes away this pain.

today

Today I decided to stay home. For the most part.

My in-laws and sister-in-law went down to Key West for the day. There is an express boat that will take you from Fort Myers beach to a dock at Key West all under 4 hours. It's a pretty cool deal too. You can make it a one day trip or you can stay for as long as you want. I was asked to come along. But I couldn't.

Last year in April Michael and I took that same boat down to Key West for our "unofficial honeymoon". We never had a honeymoon and this was our first trip alone - no family, just us, spending much needed alone and relaxation time together. When we went, we had an amazing time! No fighting no spats. Nothing. Just pure fun and bliss. The only time there was a bump in the road was when we realized how much money we really spent. Key West is insanely expensive! We went snorkeling along the coral reef. We went on a sunset cruise on a catamaran. We rented bicycles, mopeds, and an electric cart. We went to the beach. Museums. Shopping. Ate a lot of food. And of course we drank! The trip was a success for us! There is nothing but good memories that we left behind there.

I loved that trip so much that a lot of the time, when I think about going back there or if Key West is really brought up at all, I get knots in my stomach. It gets harder to breathe and I want to cry.

So when I was asked to go back there, at first, I wanted to go. I didn't really think much about it, I just wanted to be with my family. But when it set in, there I would be returning there with with a huge chunk missing, I couldn't do it. I got bad anxiety and I freaked out. It was much too soon to go there again.

So today I stayed behind. I didn't want to go the whole day without seeing my Father-in-law though. So I decided to bake muffins the night before so that I could bring them all breakfast in the morning to take on their boat trip. Afterward, I  stopped at Starbucks to get my usual - Skinny Vanilla Latte :) I had Koby with me as well. I decided to take him to the cemetery to visit Michael. I took Milo there once, but never took Koby. We stayed there for a little while. But since Florida is the devil's sauna, we didn't stay long. But apparently, my car wanted us to stay longer because it died! I just laughed because now! Now is when my car decides to crap out!? When no one is home to help a girl out! My mom was still on her vacation and Michael's family just left on a boat! It was all good because I called AAA and it was only my battery that bit the dust.

Other than that, nothing really happened today. I spent most of it working on my stuff for my etsy store. I like doing that sort of stuff. It's not hard at all and I am surprised that I don't see more of it on etsy. I think I like it and I continue to do it so much because it keeps my mind off things.

sunday

It's Sunday again! Go here if you want to join in on the fun!

Here we go...


1. While at the beach, pool, etc..Do you cover up your assets or show them off?

I guess you can say I show them off... but it's not like I am prancing around saying "look at me look at me", I'm just at the beach... gettin' my sun on!

2. Road trips or Plane trips?

I've never really been on a road trip. But it does sound more and more appealing the more and more I become terrified of flying.

3. I can't stand it when...?

I am around dumb people.

4. Have you ever gone topless at the beach?

Never!

5. How many blog carnivals do you do a week?

What? What the freak is a blog carnival?! Is it when you go to bring your blog to the carnival? Please explain this to me someone!

6. My favorite thing about the weekend is...?

Well since everyday seems like a weekend to me, I guess my favorite thing about the actual weekend is spending time with the family that works during the week.

7. Pancakes or waffles?

Pancakes. For sure.

8. Water Park or Amusement Park?

Neither. I hate both! I hate amusement parks because you always get hot, sweaty, and nasty! And you are touching everything that the last sweaty nasty person touched! GROSS! I hate water parks because it's like swimming in one giant toilet! Next time you go to a water park and you happen to accidentally swallow the water, just remember people - you just drank someone else's pee!!! NO THANKS!

silver lining

"Every cloud has its silver lining" 

And in my case, it's like a category 6.5 hurricane worth of clouds. Nevertheless there are some silver linings that I feel I need to recognize on here. I guess you can say, I am counting my blessings.

First and foremost,

My parents. They have provided me an endless amount of love and support and for that, I am forever grateful!

My in-laws - my relationship has grown so much since all of this has happened. I love them both dearly.

My fellow offspring. You give me a reason to laugh and smile. I love you all!

Crystal - my sister-in-law turned sister turned best friend. Thank you for being there for me when I feel like I am lost.. on a boat... without a paddle.

My Koby Monster! No explanation needed. Dogs make everything better (sometimes). :)

My Widsters! I don't know where I would be without you all. You have showed me that life is still worth living. I love you all so much!


And last and most definitely not least...

My beautiful husband. Your love and strength has pulled through for me during the times when I needed it most. You are the reason for who I am today. You made me, me. My love for you has only grown and I know that when it is my time to go, you will be there to welcome me into eternity. I love you so much! Michael - no star in the sky will burn longer than my love for you.
I miss you so very much.

sense

Does a new sense of low self esteem go hand in hand with being labeled a "widow"? I have never felt such a low sense of self esteem before. It's like I don't know myself anymore.

Obviously I don't.

I lost the only thing in my life that made sense.
When I lost you, I lost so many other things along with you.
My sense of belonging.
My sense of being.
My confidence.
My children.
My mind.

My future.

When you were here everything made sense.
Now that you're gone everything is so confusing. Nothing is in order. Everything is a hectic, chaotic mess. I don't understand it. I don't get it. And that is so frustrating.
It's times like these that make me want to scream and rip all of my hair out!
I don't understand why you had to go!

I don't know where I belong anymore. The feeling of loneliness is so intense. When it was us, I didn't mind that I didn't have many close girl friends. Because I had you. You were my person. And that made everything ok. I knew where my place was. Now - I don't know where I belong. I feel weird with my single friends (the ones that still talk to me) and I feel out of place with my married friends (again... the ones that still talk to me). This feeling of wanting to belong is overwhelming. I know I have my widow friends, I love them all very dearly, but we are all scattered. And I hate to admit it, but when I am with them, that low self esteem kicks in again.

I hate the way I feel. I hate that your gone. I hate not having my person anymore.

That time machine would reallllly come in handy right about now!

only the good die young

"Death is no longer something that
 happens in the future, when you get older. 
It barged into your life
without asking, took a seat at your 
kitchen table and cannot be kicked 
out the back door."

- Joanne Steen, from the book Military 

Widow - A Survival Guide

kids

We always wanted to have children. But we waited. For obvious reasons - we wanted to experience our own lives before we brought more into this world.
But man, what I wouldn't give to have little Michael/Allisons running around.
Just to have a little piece of you that was still alive would be amazing.

But at the same time, I am thankful that I only have my own grief to deal with. I don't even understand my grief the majority of the time, how could I even begin to understand the grief of a baby or toddler?

Because I don't want to miss out on being a mother, I promised myself that by the time I am 30, and if I still haven't had any kids of my own, I am going to start the process of adopting. Perhaps a Portuguese baby.
Definitely a Portuguese baby...

vent

Today I feel like I hate everything.

I hate facebook. I hate seeing every one's perfect lives. I hate seeing people's status updates and pictures and their happy lives. I hate it. I hate seeing people bragging about their husbands and them doing nice things. No one cares. Do people really get off on expressing to others how "perfect" their lives are?! You aren't making any one's life any better, you're not benefiting anyone by bragging about your wonderful life. I can only assume that you are doing it to make yourself feel better. I would really love to delete my facebook. But if I do that, I am sure I will be getting phone calls from everyone under the sun checking to see if I am still alive. Unfortunately, it's my connection to the outside world, my connection to the friends that I do have.

I hate that I am alone. I don't mind no one being around. I mind that Michael isn't here anymore. I just want my husband home! I would never wish this on anyone at all. I still cannot believe that this is my life now. I'm a widow. I still have a hard time believing it. I know I am still in denial. I bounce back to denial all the time. I hate that I know I need to go to therapy. I tired to make it seem like I can handle this. The honest truth is that I can't. I don't know how. It seems like my life will forever be this black whole and I don't even know where to find the light at the end. Nor do I really want to find the light. I don't think I will ever want to get over Michael. I never want him to be something that I never talk about. I don't want him to be something that I will just eventually throw out.

At the same time though, I don't see how I will last much longer with my life being like this. Feeling the way I feel. Will I ever find a balance? Keeping Michael alive with me but being ok that he really isn't here anymore (does that sound crazy?). I just can't imagine feeling this pain for another 60 years, if I am to live for another 60 years.

I also can't imagine being with anyone else either. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe there is someone out there that is willing to understand me and where I come from. Maybe I will find that balance. But I don't see it. I will never see how being with another man will make me feel ok or make everything better. I knew at 18 years old that I wanted to be with Michael forever. I knew then that I was ready to settle down, get out of the dating game. I found my missing piece. How do you move on from losing the love of your life?

I'm sorry for the rant and the venting. I promise it will happen again. :)

sick

On Wednesday, I went to San Diego with my in-laws. We didn't go for fun, we didn't go to get away. We went for business, for Michael. I am not going to indulge anyone with the details because it is a private matter. But I will say that nothing was really accomplished.

Being in San Diego was painful. More painful than I ever expected. We were in the same area that Michael and I used to visit. The absence of him was everywhere. At times it was hard to talk and even breathe. He was missing. He should have been there.

I am home now. We left on Friday, so it was a very quick painful jab. I'm sick. I'm exhausted. It seems like every time I come back from San Diego, I come home with a cold. For some reason, this one seems so much worse. I'm exhausted. It's hard for my eyes to focus. My hearing is thrown off. My nose is killing me. And my sinuses are throbbing. I have no motivation to do anything.

This past week has really shown me that when I take 1 step forward, I will most definitely take 2 steps back.

It's Sunday... again!

Getting to know you Sunday. 
Another week has passed. 
So much has happened.
No words to explain. 
Just more pain.


1. If you could have one of Superman's powers which one would you want? Superhuman strength..Flight..Superhuman speed..X-Ray vision..etc.

I would say... superhuman strength. Only because there is no man in this house to fix things. I know I'm not strong enough to do a lot on my own. It would just be more cost efficient if I had the strength to do it myself.
2. The best thing I ever won is....?

I don't know if I ever won anything really... nothing to brag about.

3. Have you ever skyped with a bloggy friend?

Not with any blog friends...

4. What is your favorite Summer month?

August... just because it's the last month of summer (right?!) Summer sucks. Too hot and humid. 

5. Pool, Lake, or Ocean?

Ocean. I love the beach.

6. One of my favorite Summer memories is.....?

Michael's R&Rs. He would always take them during the summer. 


7. What's your favorite secret bargain?

Ross, Marshalls, TJ Maxx

8. Do you plan on or have you been watching the World Cup?

Probably not on my own. I watched Mexico v. South Africa. I really got into it. But I probably won't watch it by myself.

i miss you

I miss the feeling I get with your arms around me.

I miss the way your lips fit perfectly together with mine.

I miss hearing you call me "Tayte"

I miss the way that you smelled after working all days in your camies.

I miss going to church with you.

I miss always holding your hand.

I miss watching you from our apartment playing with Koby and Milo.

I miss your obsessive ways about cleaning.

I miss being woken up everyday to you kissing me goodbye before work.

I miss get text messages from you.

I miss sending you care packages.

I miss goofing off with you, dancing in our kitchen, making weird noises at each other, talking in our weird voices.

I miss helping you on your MECEP package.

I miss the smile on your face when you would walk through the door after work.

I miss cooking with you.

I miss talking about the future with you.

I miss when we would get sentimental, and that look you would give me. It was like I could look into your eyes and see the depths of your soul and see us tangled together.

I even miss you playing video games for hours on end.

I miss fighting with you, because after the fight, there would always be a make-up.

I miss getting dressed up and going on dates with you.

I miss riding on the back of your motorcycle.

I miss your big ugly feet.

I miss how whenever we were together, we always had to be touching.

I miss taking showers with you.

I miss getting 1 am phone calls from Iraq.

I miss your emails.

I miss watching movies with you. 

I miss EVERYTHING about you. I wish you could be home. I need you. I miss hearing you tell me you love me, because baby, I need to hear it now. 

I still can't believe you are gone. 

7 months and 1 day. 

Getting to know you Sundays!

So I was inspired by my friend Sarah to start my own "getting to know you sunday". I figured it would bring a little light (maybe) to my dark and twisty blog postings.






1. If a person has a booger in their nose. and you can see it, do you tell them?
Really, it depends on the person and how well I know them. If it were Michael, I would get the booger for him. But really, in normal situations it depends on the person. 

2. What are you passionate about?
Lately, not a whole lot. I am passionate about Michael. My family. Getting in shape. My dog. That's about it. 

3. How long have you been blogging?
I started blogging in 2008 when Michael was deployed. I originally made it so we can both post on there about our lives while we were separated. However, for this blog in particular, I have been writing on it since December 2009

4. What is your favorite "summer" drink?
H2O

5. What is your favorite type of music?
I love anything really, except most country and gospel 

6. Something I do before I go to bed is......?
Read

7. My Summer vacation plans are...?
I am doing it now, and I have been doing it for a while. Not a whole lot. I would love to be able to travel overseas but I don't see that happening without a traveling buddy. 

8. My favorite must have, can't live without, beauty product is?
Bareminerals. It is a must. It turns tired, bags-under-my-eyes Allison into decent looking Allison.


And that's it for getting to know you Sunday! Go here to join the fun!

6 months has come and now it is almost gone.
Almost 7 months since I have talked to the love of my life.

Some of my widow friends have told me that around this time, I'll start to feel the magnitude of losing him.
It's like someone turned on the water and then walked away.
And that same person has started to push a dagger through my chest and this person is slowly centimeter by centimeter pushing that dagger closer and closer to my heart.
I'm almost speechless.

That fear of forgetting him is more present than ever. I feel like the memories of him are being pushed out by the grief. But I can't bring them to the surface because it kills me. It kills me because I know that we will never make any new memories ever again. The morning of November 6th, 2009 was the last memories of him I will ever have.

I spent Memorial Day weekend in Washington DC with my widdas. I love being with them. When I am with those women, I feel almost normal again. I know that when I am with these other women no one is looking at me like a bad accident. I am able to laugh and not feel bad. And when I talk about what I am going through, I know that I am talking to someone who has gone through it, or is going through it too. It was amazing to be able to reconnect with some of the other widows from the Florida get-a-way as well as meet other widows. I was able to hear about other love stories and know that I am truly not alone. I don't know where I would be without them.

While we were there we went to Arlington. Being there was really hard. Right when I stepped off the bus, I felt like my heart was so heavy. It was hard to breathe at times. We went to section 60. Section 60 is where service men and women are buried from Iraq and Afghanistan. Being there was so hard. Even though Michael is not there, it felt like he was all around me. Seeing so many head stones there was unbearable. Being there reminded me, some how, that Michael is really gone. It was emotionally draining.

But now I am back at my home in Florida. I feel so alone here. I don't have friends here. No one here just calls me out of the blue to see how I am doing or to see if I want to meet up for coffee. The one and only time I really went out with friends was back in March. No one, besides my close friends, talked to me. No asked me to see what I was up to. It was soo weird. And the one and only person who talked to me (besides my close friends) asked me if I was dating yet! How awkward! I was already nervous about going out, and that made me want to stay locked up in my house forever. I hate being treated with kid gloves. I hate that its different now. But I also hate when people say stupid things. This is a huge reason why I just want to run away. Just go somewhere I don't know anyone. But then again, I would probably just feel the same way that I feel now. I know for a fact if Michael were here he would be telling that I need to put myself out there, that I need to make the effort. He's right, but it is just so hard when I have a hard time making the effort to get out of bed.

Michael is my best friend and he is gone. It didn't matter the situation, I could always tell him what was going on. It didn't matter if he was in Iraq and it was 3 am in the morning, I could write him and know that I would get a response from him. And the same went for him as well. He was my teammate in this game of life.

Accepting this and moving forward with my life is so difficult to do. I have truly forgotten to live without him.